Horrible Breaking News...Kris Kringle Is Kaput!!!

 Kris Kringle has croaked! 

After almost 1800 years, the corpulent elf king, known for his glitzy clothes and retro ride, has paid the ultimate penalty for his hedonistic lifestyle and draconian management paradigm.

Mrs. Kringle said she constantly urged Kris to stop eating foods fried in, or made with, colon and artery-clogging Bumble blubber. Besides, the gut-wrenching gore associated with butchering and rendering the adorable Bumbles was so unsettling, several disenfranchised elves had started a North Pole PETA chapter, and were periodically doing nude protests, in the main, toy-manufacturing facility!

Global warming exacerbated existing labor problems because many elves resented having to mow vast expanses of burgeoning grasslands, during the, now, balmy summers. Prior to this carbon-caused greening, many elves got summer jobs baking Keebler cookies, below the tree line.  

Female empowerment, championed by Mrs. Kringle, always rubbed misogynistic Kris the wrong way, and his futile attempts to curtail it had given him a bleeding ulcer.

Mrs. Kringle said if Kris had exercised, quit smoking, quit drinking, and watched his diet, he could have lived another 4000 years.

Sadly, Kris left no heirs because he was too large to mate successfully. 

There is a lesson to be learned here, but I'll be darned if I know what it is? Ho! Ho! Ho!

 We can only pray the same fate awaits Michael Moore!

S.L.T.:

We can only pray the same fate awaits Michael Moore!

Dear S.L.T.,

It's interesting you mentioned Michael Moore, because my sources, at the North Pole, say he has already applied for Kringle's vacant position, along with Ted Kennedy, Al Gore, Ed Rendell, Ed Asner and Russell Crowe.

The dearth of distaff applicants is understandable, because elf pheromones nauseate most women, and this explains why J. K. Rowling's masterpieces are brimming with violence and witchcraft, but no cross-subspecies couplings featuring female Muggles!

 Epilogue: The Funeral

Only happy memories remain of Kris Kringle, as the elf king was immolated earlier today! Sky-licking flames, from the spectacular blaze, could be seen hundreds of miles away, and these tongues of fire warmed the hearts and souls of many sun-deprived arctic inhabitants.

Since wood is a scarce and costly commodity this far north, ordinary elves are not cremated; instead, their tiny corpses are simply left near the North Pole trash dump for consumption by polar bears. In-ground burial is impossible, because year-round permafrost precludes grave digging.

It's assumed Kris was a Christian, but he never attended church services and enjoyed reading his daily horoscope in the now- defunct North Pole Gazette.

A missionary preacher, in a nearby Inuit village, was approached to say a few, appropriate words over the gigantic stiff, but this staunch, evangelical minister curtly refused saying Kris Kringle represented the secular corruption of Christmas and any religious elegy would be an affront to God.

Secular sinner or religious icon, Kris Kringle will live on in the hearts of greedy little children, forever!

 Hey Toadsly!

Perhaps we could negotiate a deal to have all six of the applicants (Moore, Kennedy, Gore, Rendell, Asner and Crowe) fill the position at the same time!  I would be willing to turn the North Pole over to the Socialists if it would mean "Lightening" the load these portly politicos dump on the rest of us!  Moore could have all the "goodies" he wants, while Kennedy could drive off his next bridge into a pool of Rumcakes.  Gore would be living his dream of witnessing "Global Warming" first hand, and Rendell can buddy up with the ELU (Elfin Labor Union).  Asner and Crowe can just verbally abuse averyone within earshot, and if they get any lip back, they can just whoop on them with a telephone!

 Dear S.L.T.,

I like your idea of having secular Christmas by committee!

Team Kringle could promise the children of the world, "The World," and then do what they do best-- deliver nothing except a big bag full of hot air! Getting "North Poled" would quickly become part of the universal vernacular!

Ho! Ho! Ho!