Aug 31 2009
(Note: When you're reading this thing, please don't send
us nasty e-mails saying we have no right to play God with your jersey,
tell you how to spend your money or how we're full of it. We know we
have no right to play God with your jersey, tell you how to spend your
money and that we're full of it. We're just trying to have fun. You
should too.)
Almost nine months ago, we issued a set of decrees that impacted the
free world in a way only the Magna Carta could rival. We of course are
talking about the now legendary Jersey Foul Bill of Rights.
From that moment on, anyone who wore a hockey jersey was subject to
a set of clear cut rules. Some were followed without question. While
others, such as the sixth amendment (AKA The Hood Rule) created
nothing but unscrupulous controversy.
So with that in mind, we are now offering a series of additional
amendments that will hopefully alleviate some of fuzzy parts of the
original ten and to address any fouls we overlooked back in December:
11.) Tuck Rule
This was perhaps our biggest oversight with the Jersey Foul Bill of
Rights. Tucking a jersey in. Unless you're Wayne Gretzky and you want to free up your right hip to shoot,
you can under no circumstances tuck your jersey in. It just doesn't
work that way. We feel kind of stupid even having to spell it out in
this forum. It's just that obvious.
12.) Mismatching:
Under no circumstances can you wear a jersey and another piece of
clothing with another team's logo from another sport. Don't ask why.
You just can't. The primary reason for this rule is the clash of
colors. It's not that big of a deal here in Pittsburgh given that our
professional teams are primarily black and gold, but could you imagine
living in Philadelphia and wearing a rust red Phillies hat and a Flyers' jersey? Just one article of clothing from that pit of hog slop is bad enough.
13.) Pop culture exemption
Fictional jerseys from movies or other media are permitted under any
circumstances provided the jersey you are wearing is of the sporting
event you are attending. If you have a Lester Averman, John Biebe or Tim "Dr. Hook" McCracken jersey, feel free to wear it without any trouble.
14.) Creative control
We've been watching HBO's "Hard Knocks" which has been profiling the
Cincinnati Bengals over the course of the past month. Bengals wide
receiver Chad Johnson Ochocino said one of the
smartest things we've ever heard during the latest episode. "Just
because you have money doesn't mean you have to spend it." So with that
in mind, just because you can spend $170 on a Capitals jersey that
gives us your opinion of Sidney Crosby's skills, doesn't mean you
should.
Note: Should you be able to get some free schwag from the object of your scorn, you are granted an exemption.
15.) The Hiding Hood - Clarification
Easily the most controversial of the original 10 amendments of the
Jersey Foul Bill of Rights, (We believe the National Hood-Wearing
Association is considering not holding its 2011 convention in
Pittsburgh out of protest), the hood rule needs a bit of a
clarification. The rule is not an issue if:
- You have a jersey with a name on it. If your jersey is blank. You're not obstructing anyone's name. No harm, no foul.
- You've managed to position your hood in a way that it's not blocking the name. See the above photo.
- You're actually wearing your hood and therefore not blocking the name.
The whole point of the rule is to prevent the obstruction of the
name on the back. If you can manage to avoid that sin, you're in the
clear. If you're wearing a Milan Kraft jersey, that's probably more of a life foul.
16.) Youth exemption
If you're under 18, you're exempt from all rules. If you're not old enough to buy tobacco or vote, we can't expect you to know all the rules.
17.) Bad sports
This one is pretty simple. At a hockey game? Wear a hockey jersey. At a baseball game? Wear a baseball jersey. At a football game? Wear a football jersey.
18.) Patchwork
We love patches. They add distinction to jerseys. They say you remember a certain season or a certain series. They can display how sharp of a fan you are. But when you recklessly put them on a jersey they display your ignorance. When you get a patch, do a little research. Make sure the patch you're getting belongs on the jersey you have. In other word, don't get a Stanley Cup Final patch on your blue throwback. The team never wore that patch with that jersey. You shouldn't either.
19.) Robitaille Rule
If you have a Luc Robitaille Penguins jersey, you just rule.
Robitaille was only a member of the franchise for one short season - the 1994-95 season which was shortened by a lockout - but he was one of the team's top players during that time. And he almost helped them win that one Stanley Cup title against the Blackhawks. One of the downfalls of buying jerseys for any sport is that players rarely stay with a team for more than a handful of seasons. You can get so emotionally invested with someone like Robitaille Marian Hossa that you buy his jersey. But then he bolts to another team. You might feel like a dope stuck with that jersey but in several years, that jersey will stand out. While everyone is making their way around Consol Energy Center in their Crosby, Malkin or Fleury jerseys, you'll be the one in a Snoop Dogg Style Robitaille jersey. And you might end up in some newspapers' hockey blog.
20.) Players exemption
All players are exempt from the jersey foul rules provided they are wearing their own jersey. They're the reason we want to buy these things. They can do what they like in them. Now if Marc-Andre Fleury were wearing a Mike Zigomanis jersey...
(Photos: Jagr-Jim McIsaac/Getty Images; Fleury-Penguins; all others-us)
Aug 31 2009
Note: EN commentator Disgruntled Goat is awarded a permanent +1 for posting news updates in the comments during our vacation.
Penguins
-A nine-year-old kid attended Sidney Crosby's parade earlier this month with the Stanley Cup. He managed to get a hockey card signed by Crosby only to have that card stolen by a teenager. Guess who saved the day?
-No word yet on how Kris Draper blamed Crosby for the ordeal.
-Speaking of Crosby (above, at Team Canada's camp with Ottawa forward Dany Heatley), Rick Nash and Jarome Iginla are mighty fine linemates.
-Crosby also received the Order of Nova Scotia.
-Should Crosby get the "C" for Canada?
-Brooks Orpik and former teammate Rob Scuderi are doing their thing for Team USA.
-Marc-Andre Fleury discusses Team Canada:
-The Staals are brothers. And they're Canadian.
-Petr Sykora did his thing with the Stanley Cup Saturday.
-Miroslav Satan did his thing with the Stanley Cup in Slovakia recently as well.
-Check out his video of Satan driving a Zamboni down a public road in Slovakia.
-Penguins prospect Andy Bathgate Jr., grandson of the former Penguins forward of the same name, is trying to make a name for himself.
-Faceoff-Factor takes a look at defenseman prospect Alex Grant.
-It looks like forward Jean-Michel Daoust is leaving the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins.
-Former Penguins enforcer Dennis Bonvie has joined the Blackhawks as a scout.
-The Nailers signed defenseman Jon Ralph and Kevin Seibel.
-This is pretty awesome:
Atlantic Division
-Flyers forward Simon Gagne suffered a groin injury while working out with Team Canada.
-The Devils will dust off their old "Christmas" red and green jerseys when they host the Penguins St. Patrick's Day, March 17. No word yet if Chris Terreri will be dusted off and allowed to give up six goals.
-Rangers captain Chris Drury was inducted into the Little League Museum Hall of Excellence.
-Former Flyers defenseman Chris McAllister signed with the Wichita Thunder of the CHL.
-Islanders forward Mike Sillinger (right) retired after 17 seasons and 12 teams.
-The Islanders re-signed goaltender Nathan Lawson to a one-year deal.
Northeast Division
-What recession? The Bruins have raised ticket priced by approximately 15 percent.
-The Maple Leafs are giving former forward Jason Allison a tryout. He has not played in the NHL in three seasons.
-The Senators signed former Penguins goaltender Andy Chiodo to a one-year two-way deal. Chiodo spent the past season in the KHL.
-Former Canadiens coach Jacques Demers, who once admitted to being illiterate, was appointed to Canada's Senate.
Southeast Division
-The Lightning signed former Canadiens forward Alex Tanguay.
-Tampa Bay also re-signed defenseman Matt Lashoff to a two-year deal and forward Martin Karsums to a one-year deal.
-Road Trip Alert: We're a little late with this due to our vacation, but the Lightning has put single-game tickets on sale. The Penguins are in Tampa Bay Jan. 2 and March 14.
-What Would Steven Stamkos Do? Work out with former Lightning teammate Gary Roberts.
-The world "legend" must mean something different in Russia. Because that's what Thrashers forward Ilya Kovalchuk (right) called former Penguins forward Aleksey Morozov.
-Move over Evgeni Malkin and Alyonka Larionov. Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin is moving to the kitchen.
-Carolina signed former Bruins forward Stephane Yelle to a one-year deal worth $550,000.
-Hurricanes forward Scott Walker and new teammate defenseman Aaron Ward are tight. Even after that cheap shot in the playoffs last season:
-We don't have the stats in front of us, but we're pretty sure Capitals defenseman Mike Green spent more time posing for this stupid photo for his spiffy new Web site than he did playing actual defense last season:
Central Division
-Road Trip Alert: Blue Jackets single-game tickets go on sale Saturday. The Penguins travel to Columbus Oct. 30.
-Road Trip Alert: Red Wings single-Game tickets are now on sale. The Penguins travel to Detroit March 22.
-Blues defenseman and captain Eric Brewer (right) underwent athroscopic surgery on his right knee. He suffered the injury while rehabbing a back injury.
-Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane pled guilty to disorderly conduct in a case involving an altercation with a Buffalo cab driver.
-The Predators signed former Sharks forward Marcel Goc to a one-year two-way contract.
-The Red Wings re-signed forward Todd Bertuzzi to a one-year deal worth $1.5 million. Bertuzzi spent part of the 2006-07 season with Detroit.
-Red Wings defenseman Brian Rafalski is still bitter about "Handshakegate." Said Rafalski, "Last year, we didn't make them wait."
-Jordan Staal is still waiting for Ralaski to quit acting like a pylon in a shorthanded situation:
-We think.
Northwest Division
-Former Avalanche forward Peter Forsberg played in a preseason game for Modo of the Swedish Elite League.
-Former Avalanche captain Joe Sakic is no Brett Favre.
-Vancouver signed former Canadiens defenseman Mathieu Schneider and acquired defensemen Christian Ehrhoff and Brad Lukowich from the Sharks in exchange for prospects Patrick White and Daniel Rahimi.
-The Canucks will wear their third jerseys when they host the Penguins Jan. 16.
-Vancouver forward Mats Sundin ended his life got married.
-The Wild and defenseman Brent Burns (right) officially unveiled their new third jersey.
-The Flames have a logo commemorating their 30th year in Calgary.
Pacific Division
-Just when you thought the Coyotes' situation couldn't get more absurd, the NHL is now trying to buy the franchise so that it can sell it to an owner of its own choosing.
-The San Antonio Rampage, the Coyotes' AHL affiliate, signed forward Andrew Orpik, the brother of Penguins defenseman Brooks Orpik. (Kudos to Steel CIty Sports Fan for the heads up.)
Adams Division
-Versus, which has been a fairly underwhelming network since it got broadcast rights for the NHL wants more money from DirecTV. Like just about anyone else in the Western Hemisphere, DirecTV realizes Versus is a joke and isn't willing to pay more.
-The NHL released its national schedules of mediocre broadcasts for NBC and Versus.
-Stephen Walkom is stepping down as direct of officiating for the NHL and hopes to return as an on-ice official.
-Icethetics has a look at Team USA's new jerseys:
-Nike has a pretty sweet commercial for the 2010 Olympics playing up in Canada:
(Photos: Crosby-Jeff McIntosh/Associated Press/Canadian Press; Sillinger-Photobucket; Kovalchuk-Gregory Smith/Associated Press; Green-Mike Green; Burns-Minnesota Wild)
Aug 30 2009
-We can't find a video with any of the birthday boys for today so here's former Penguins forward Alex Kovalev doing the moonwalk:
-Happy 68th birthday to former Penguins all-star forward Lowell MacDonald. MacDonald won the Masterton Trophy in 1973 and led the team in goals with 43 in 1973-74.
-Today would've been former Pittsburgh Hornets forward/defenseman Howie Mackie's 95th birthday.
Aug 29 2009
-Birthdays are kind of light today so here's a clip of Mike Lange's goal calls from Game 3 of the second round series against the Capitals this past spring:
-Today would've been the 90th birthday of former Pittsburgh Hornets goaltender Baz Bastien.
-Happy 49th birthday to former Penguins forward Tim Tookey.
Aug 28 2009
-Happy 77th birthday to former Penguins forward and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Andy Bathgate:
-Bathgate, who scored the first goal in franchise history, led the Penguins with 59 points (20 goals, 39 assists) during their innagural season.
-Happy 41st birthday to Penguins executive Tom Fitzgerald.
Aug 27 2009
-The birthdays are kind of slim today so here's CBC's intro for the 2008 playoffs:
-Happy 63rd birthday to former Penguins forward Robin Burns.
-Happy 52nd birthday to former Penguins defenseman Bob Gladney. Gladney was once involved in a trade that netted a draft pick the Kings turned into Kevin Stevens.
Aug 26 2009
-Happy 60th birthday to former Penguins all-star defenseman Ron Stackhouse:
-Stackhouse holds the franchise record for games played by defensemen with 621.
-Happy 27th birthday to former Penguins defenseman Noah Welch. Welch was traded to the Panthers for Gary Roberts in 2007.
Aug 25 2009
-Happy 27th smashing birthday to former Penguins forward Connor James:
-Happy 48th birthday to former Penguins center Dave Tippett. Tippett's only campaign with the Penguins took place during the highly disappointing 1992-93 season.
-Happy 40th birthday to former Penguins forward Jamie Leach, a member of the franchise's first two Stanley Cup championship squads.
-Today would've been the 115th birthday of forward/defenseman Charlie Langlois a member of the NHL's Pittsburgh Pirates.
Aug 24 2009
-Happy 37th birthday to former Penguins defenseman Ian Moran:
-Moran has the third-most games played among Penguins defenseman with 433.
-Happy 42nd birthday to former Penguins forward Ken Priestlay, a member of the franchise's first two Stanley Cup champion squads.
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